2012/11/24 23:55
Talked to Judith today using English. And I said something like this:

This reminds me of what Three Fire Sister's mother has said before. People don't get to live the rest of their lives with the ones they love the most.

We both laughed at this. But then I felt extremely upset.

I talked to Jason last week. Interesting that he had to hide all the issues he had been going through with his girl so he decided to talk to me all in English. In order to make it easier for myself, instead of translating everything between two languages in my head, I answered him in English as well. Sometimes it feels easier to express certain emotions using English. Especially when it comes to something that we don't have a choice.

For example, I posted in secret on Weibo saying that I wanna a breakup.

Things just have been so frustrating between the two of us, at least I feel so from my side. I didn't want to admit that there are actually differences on issues of values and worldview between us, but now I kinda have to. We argued over things like this for several times, and each time, we made up just ignoring the problem. Distraction may be useful for a short while. But over the past several weeks, I just found that the gap in between keeps broadening.
I told Judith today that I do love him, still a lot. And I truly believe in that. However, it is something related to the future, meaning that whether it is possible for two very different people like us to stay together for the rest of our lives. I had encountered questions like this before and every time I had the chance to think it over, I just chose to neglect. I knew it from the very beginning that he may not be the perfect choice for me to live my life with. Yet I threw myself into this relationship. Does it mean that consequences are coming to me now?

I spent the whole night with someone yesterday, which kind of put me into a situation similar to betrayal. I wouldn't say that I cheated on him but somehow I feel like that I wanted to. Pathetic, isn't it? It seems that I wanted something irreversible to happen so that I could get out of this immediately without hesitation. No remedy, no second chance, then no more suffering. Nothing really happened last night, nevertheless, I had a feeling that I'm getting farther and farther away from him. And at the same time, I admitted to myself that I like that guy, though I didn't want to.

I hate the fact that I'm feeling lost, almost lost in every aspect of my life. Study, relationship, future, or even what to eat for my next meal. I am out of tune. I am freaking out. This shouldn't be me. What is messing up with my head?

Didn't really sleep last night, and I still haven't till now. It has been such a long day, and I know I'm hanging there. Wide awake and struggling, everything is just so hard to face, not to mention to deal with and to solve the problems.

So what now?

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