2012/12/09 01:44
Talked to CS saying that I'm feeling completely lost now.
It's been difficult. It still is.
I never never never ever thought it would eventually become like this. The most unexpected situation in my life.
I have no idea what I want, what I'm doing, what should I do, and what I should want.
Something, at the same time, has been proved right over and over again to me.
When you don't get what you want, it only makes you want it more.
Then I don't know anymore, whether I actually want this so bad now, or it's just because I couldn't get it.

I do not like the feeling of regret. Usually I don't regret what I do. But now I really do, which is desperate for me.
It has been almost half a month now, but I'm still processing this, and it's just getting worse and worse.

I gradually found out the problem that I have. I have been too confident, on everything. I thought I had it all under control, but in the end, I lost it getting a worst of worst result.
I was confident that I would have enough time to figure it out. But the truth is no one would wait that long for me. There's no reason for anyone to do so.

I feel that it will become the second heartbreak that I'll never get over with. The first one was more than four years ago, and I can still sense it there.

I've been telling myself that I'm ok, I'll be fine, don't cry, I'm strong enough for all of these. How can I get better without even convincing myself? Trying really hard to keep myself together, but still, I see me falling apart.

It's gonna be ok.
Hang in there!
Just forget the world.
Up for the fight!
You shoot me down but I won't fall.
I was dreaming for so long.
It doesn't matter any more.
Catch my breath and let it go.

Those are all the things that I've been trying to tell myself to believe in. I don't want another four years wandering and struggling around over one same thing. I know it's time to grow up. But the question is how.

I'm all by myself.

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